January 13, 2021:
Values-Based VERSUS Fear-Based Living
“Follow your North star”
FEAR-BASED LIVING:
Fear is real. It is a useful and adaptive emotion for self-preservation and survival. When we are in a truly dangerous situation, the fear response ensures the best chances of safety through the “flight-fight-or-freeze” response. When it comes to life or death, fear is highly useful; it is willing to sacrifice anything for survival. We are willing to accept collateral damage to preserve life itself. And as long as we are alive, we can rebuild. However, if fear is followed when there is no true threat to our lives, these sacrifices prevent us from growing and building life satisfaction. We are using the wrong emotional tool for the situation. There is no need to fight-flight-or-freeze for survival when there is no real threat to our life.
When fighting to survive, we are willing to sacrifice anything for physical safety. In other words, we choose safety as the priority over anything else in life, including joy, quality of life, and satisfaction. For example, if we are afraid of having enough food to last through winter, we stock up, ration, and only eat what is needed to sustain life itself. Proper nutrition is less of a priority as long as we are eating enough to stay alive. If we, indeed, have enough food, we are able to eat for nutrition or even pleasure, thereby building greater life satisfaction, growth, and enjoyment. The trick here is to delineate between what is an actual threat and what is a perceived threat (i.e., your own judgement and determination in assessing a threat).
A perceived threat may in fact be an actual threat. For example, seeing a bear 15 feet away is both perceived as a threat and is an actual threat. However, if a perceived threat is always assumed to be an actual threat, then you will be fighting for survival even when it is not appropriate. For example, seeing a picture of a bear online may evoke a fear response as it is a perceived threat, but it is not an actual threat. It is important to take a step back, cool off from the emotion of fear, and objectively look at the situation. Is the perceived threat an actual threat? After your assessment of the situation, adjust your response. If it is indeed an actual threat, engage in fight-or-flight. However, if it is not an actual threat, then stay or even lean into the discomfort.
For example, I may be afraid of failure because I have failed in the past and have been told that I am not good enough to succeed. When I am given a new work assignment or have a school test coming up, I might perceive a threat. If unchecked, I will assume that my perceived threat is an actual threat, and I will act as if I need to fight-or-flight for survival. In this specific situation, the threat may lead to procrastination or avoidance. It may also upregulate my fight-flight system that prevents me from being able to study or use the full potential of my brain because I am so uncomfortable in my body. These behaviors and reactions actually push me closer to failure, which is the exact thing that I am trying to avoid.
What I should do instead is:
Notice when I have a fear response (i.e., increased heart rate, sweating, feeling of panic, desire to run or fight, etc.).
Take a deep breath with a LOOOOOOOONG, slow exhale (this allows me to cool off from the emotion of fear for a second to have a more objective look).
Ask myself if the perceived threat an actual threat. Do I need to fight-flight for my survival?
Here are some other questions that may be helpful:
Is the perceived threat going to physically hurt me? Just because I am having a fight-flight response, is it appropriate for the situation? What is the likelihood/probability that the perceived threat will lead to physical harm? Is the perceived threat going to emotionally hurt me? What are the actual consequences of the threat?If it is an actual threat, get out. If it is not an actual threat, lean into the discomfort and tolerate it.
VALUES-BASED LIVING:
In order to tolerate and stay in the discomfort, we need a very very very good reason to do it. As humans, discomfort is not welcomed nor wanted. However, we may need to increase our tolerance of discomfort to build a good life. After all, success in life does take hard work and effort. The more we stay and lean into discomfort when there is no actual threat, we are training our bodies and mind and building a greater resistance to discomfort. It is similar to exercising, the more we are able to push ourselves slightly out of our current abilities, the stronger our muscles become. We might start with running for 10 minutes, but over time we can run for 30 minutes. Here we challenging fear and not letting it control our lives; we are not living by fear (i.e., fear-based living).
I mentioned that very very very good reason to tolerate and stay in the discomfort. It is the thing that we are moving towards. Instead of running away (i.e., fear), we are running towards something. This is where your personal values come into play; it is the thing that you are running towards. We all have different values. I might value family and relationships. I might value helping others over making money. Your values are your “northstar”. In times of darkness, fear, and being lost, your northstar lights the way. Your values orient you in difficult times and make tolerating discomfort worth it. It is that very very very good reason to do so.
Locating your northstar (i.e., your values):
Think of a person you respect. What is it that you respect about them? What are their strengths and what do you admire about them?
At the end of the day, what do you want people to remember about you? What character and values do you want them to highlight about you?
If everything falls apart, what is the one non-negotiable character quality that you are unwilling to give up?
What do you value in relationships with other people? What qualities in a person make a good friend for you?
What do you value in your work? What is the one thing in your work that brings you the most joy and satisfaction?
What does good health give you and allow you to do?
What does having money do for you?
If you have children or plan to have children, what values do you want to instill within them?
Here is a chart of some values that might be helpful in locating your northstar:
In summary, it is important to determine if fear is running your life. If it is, notice when it arises, take a step back to cool off, and assess for actual threats. If it is appropriate, lean into the discomfort to build a tolerance and resistance to discomfort. Then, move towards your values and make small steps towards your northstar. Even though it is hard and uncomfortable, it is worth it because it allows you to become more of who you want to be. This is the path to challenge fear and build a more meaningful and rewarding life.
