December 28, 2020:
Managing Worries: Accepting the Consolation Prize

As the new year approaches, we find ourselves living in a time of mass uncertainty. For most of us, 2020 was a year of isolation, fear, and limited control. There are so many forces that are merely out of our control. This can be a time of immense worry that paralyzes us because we feel helpless to make any change. In order to weather the storm, we have to refocus our efforts and adapt. After all, the greatest gift to humans is the ability to adapt despite all odds.

My clients have taught me that focusing on problems that are out of your control breeds helplessness and uncontrollable worries. The key here is to refocus on the aspects that are within your control. For example, I may not be able to change the actions or behaviors of my partner or the customer in the grocery line next to me wearing their mask below their nose, but I am able to control how I respond and adapt to the situation. I could find a way to effectively communicate in a gentle tone the impact of their behaviors on me in hopes of changing their behavior; however, I am still limited in my control because it is up to them to make that change for me. Better yet, I can choose to not react to my partner when they upset me by reassuring and coaching myself internally. I can also choose to move to a different line in the grocery store to avoid any unnecessary contact with other customers, or choose to go to the grocery store on off hours. In the end, these are not the prized solutions we seek, but rather a consolation prize. Nevertheless, they are effective and allow us to adapt to the forces outside of our control.

Adaptation requires focusing 95% of your attention on the solution and 5% on the problem. The 5% on the problem is enough to break down the issue and jump 95% into the problem-solving process of adapting, which has the potential to yield progress. I have created the diagram above as a decision tree to make our worries actionable. It is important to first determine if a worry is useful. I might worry about being abducted by aliens, which is not necessarily a useful worry because there is nothing I can really do. I might also worry about stocking my fridge for the week, which is useful because it is something I know I can do and needs to get done. Determining if a worry is useful is the first step. Once you have a useful worry, the next step is to make the worry actionable so that you can take immediate action towards progress. With a useful worry, ask yourself if there is something you can do in the next ten minutes to make progress. This may include actually taking steps or even creating a future plan to take steps. Here, we are giving you agency and power to affect change no matter how small.

With worries that are not useful and cannot be acted upon, it is important to practice acceptance. This is best embodied by the serenity prayer, “To accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”. I reference it because it highlights the essence of acceptance. It is an exercise in tolerance-of-the-moment and patience to use time to your advantage, as time brings about new opportunities and new situations that may shift control in your favor. For example, I may not have much control in employers giving me a job, but I can take control of submitting applications and following up with employers. With patience and in time, I will receive job interviews and the possibility of new employment.

Adaptation is not a prideful endeavor, but it produces results. We often have to take the consolation prize and give up the chances of our ideal outcome. As you continue to weather the storm, focus on what works as opposed to how you want things to work.